The emotional pull downward is hard to resist when waters are turbulent. Spiraling into the shadowy depths of self-examination, I have conversations with friends from this pool in my head. But finally pushing my soul up for air against all odds, I find the atmosphere changed. Where is that space where passions once flew so freely, like birds? Have I honestly been down in the depths for so long, or has the air here suddenly become stifling with the fallout from the end of Onet bomb? A bit of the magic is gone. It no longer feels conducive to fly, since shooting down whatever remains of this community seems to have become a new fad.

About my own work I have understood that what's important is not how many people didn't understand what I was trying to do over these past 2.5 years in Uganda, but the number of people who did get it and are willing to carry the work on from this point. I am in the process of untethering myself, curious to see which direction the communities I have been a part of building in Uganda will now go.

While some would seem to challenge my right to champion the community I've started (especially since I am such an imperfect person myself) others cling and lament that I am leaving - even if it's only for a while. It's hard to know what's right and wrong; what's allowed and not allowed; what's expected of me and what's rejected as inappropriate behavior. It's kind of laughable in my world that I am perceived to have some kind of personal power trip, when those who know me know that my biggest struggle has been to get the community to assume power over their destiny in this big wide world themselves. So it goes.

I do know that I have made many mistakes. They haunt me in my sleep, as I try to understand sequences, cause and effect, and understand what went wrong. What went right. What I can let go of. What I can't let go of, that is simply (perhaps) just who I am.

Meanwhile, my passions continue to swim under water. It's hard to believe there is so much going on that my close friends here online do not know. Doing and telling about it used to be the modus operandi. Maybe it will be again some day. For the moment, though, it's my own money I am investing in the farm community, and in the transition to full legal community ownership of Life in Africa Uganda's assets and programs. I can do this with my own money if I want, and it really doesn't matter that people will try to judge me for it. Tired as I am, I have decided to be responsible to myself for once.

Yes, I need a rest. But there are new plans brewing too. Maybe someday I will find another comfort zone for sharing them with people who care, and who possibly want to help. Right now however, the guilt of my inadequacies hangs heavy around me. I have down days and up days, with confidence darting in and out of my heart like a small, frightened bird. It may be a while before I dare to ask for help again. Meanwhile, I keep seeing potential and acting upon it where I can. I do not know how to act otherwise. For better or worse, that is the part that is simply who I am.

Perhaps one day I can be forgiven by all the anonymous attackers, for all the good I didn't do.