Hey David, sorry you are feeling down, man. Perhaps there is a way that you can do and be these things David. That feeling of being on a sinking ship, that things are closing in - that's rough. I believe you can be courageous. Being both courageous and ... sensitive perhaps is a hard balance.

I hope tomorrow brings a new perspective.

David I'm sorry you are feeling so badly. How old are you? I'm getting up in years myself.

I'm 42.

Thanks for the condolences. It feels good to be listened to.

I do think I'll feel better tomorrow, I have tracked these sorts of feelings over many years and they rarely last more than 12 hours.

I think I am grieving. What I lost is my feeling that I know what I'm up to, or that I'm working on the right things. I just want to toss it all. The only reason I don't just up and move to Kenya or somewhere is because I know it would really hurt a lot of people. I feel tied down.

Why do you think it would make you happy to move to Kenya? Why wouldn't you feel tied down there? Sounds like you got the Great Doubt. I hate that. If your leaving would hurt a lot of people does that mean that a lot of people love you?

Yes, lots of people love me.

I think the reason to move to Kenya or wherever would just be to start fresh. When I'm in a new situation I am full of life and energised and it's like being in kindergarten, each day is wonderful.

Actually I am all cheered up now, I just watched this with my 2 year old:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0 0XWhLmST8o

That's how life should be... :)

I wonder what it feels like to be assassinated, executed, murdered or whatever. I have always considered martyrs to be lunatics. Didn't Krishnamurti say something like that? (see, I do listen ;)

Well, I must be two weeks late and a dollar short. How are you today, My Fine Feathered Friend?

I can help! I know that sounds like a vanity, it probably is, but I know that I can help. Love to you, RicH

david i think you are great!

if you still feel bad, please give a shout and i'll tell you how much of a help you were to me!!!

thanks so much for all your words/thoughts and good ideas!

go well! stay well! and do not forget: enjoy! fre

Thanks RicHARD and fre!

I think I'm over the crisis that led to this thread, but I'm still feeling a lot less happy (on an hour by hour basis) than I consider "normal".

Partly it's the summer heat, when it's over 105 and sunny it kind of ruins my day. Anything in direct sunlight is about 130F or more. Shade is wonderful, and in very short supply here.

Partly it's my financial situation, I'm still spending more than I'm making.

Partly it's the mountain of paperwork I'm surrounded by. I just want it all to go away. And I want to get rid of about 70% of my stuff too, so I don't have to move it to Atlanta. I like acquiring stuff much more than disposing of it.

Another thing bugging me is I want a vacation. I want to just go off for 2 or 3 days by myself. My wife hates that idea, because then she feels stuck with the kids all day and night. I'd gladly take the whole family, except then there are all these requirements, like we have to stop and eat healthy food every 3 hours and we have to stay in a "clean" motel and we can't stay with friends.

I know I sound like a whining teenager, and I don't want to give the wrong impression, my wife is wonderful, and very easygoing about most things. I just haven't figured out a way to get this particular need (a short vacation for $50/day) met in my current situation. And we haven't been successful in talking about it, we always seem to wind up fighting.

How far are you from a "national park"?

about 200 miles to Grand Canyon or to Joshua Tree. There are some picturesque lakes and things closer than that.

Anything that has a tree with some shade under sounds like it might be just the thing (?)

david

definitely take the 3 days you need!

you will come back home fresh and energetic!

and if your wife doesn't say she agrees on it now,

she will understand it and appreciate it when she sees you again with the joy you've known before!

whining is human! do not ignore it

norbert has a point...all you need is a tree, some shade..

maybe a book and a nice cold drink!

good luck!

Thanks for those images, fre and nmw!

I do relish the time each day around 7 PM, when the sun is low enough that it's cooler (99F) and the house itself provides shade. My neighbors have a huge trampoleen in their front yard, and my kids love to jump on it, so I can sit on my front porch (really just a spot in front of the door) and read a book while watching them jump. Those are good moments.

Another thing bugging me is all the calls I am getting from tenants. It seems like everyone's air conditioning is breaking! I guess it's like this every summer, except last summer I had a property management staff taking care of these things so I didn't know about them. The good news is that they're generally pretty easy to fix.

The good news is that they're generally pretty easy to fix.

COOL! :~)

the good moments sound very nice! just keep on cherish them troughout the whole day!

david i think we all have daily struggles!

i am sitting 4 days a week behind a computer at an architectural office, while my head is only with umeebee

i need the money, i need to do it now, so i force myself to enjoy it, to form this aversion into joy, allthough it is not the thing my biggest joy comes from

Beautiful points, Jan and Fre,

Cherish and appreciate the beauty all around us, love the one you're with, be where we are.

Life is good! :)

Have a nice bowl of pasta.

OK, I will!

I'll have spaghett

I prefer capelli d'angeli, fatta a casa, con pomodoro :)

Me too! But I couldn't spell it LOL

Hey, I'd sure rather be 5'8" than 5'7"!

So, there's that, anyway. :)

Goddess I know that metaphor--of throwing things overboard. I usually think of it as a hot air balloon. And I have been in parallel with you my friend. Trees help. Sitting helps. Breathing deep helps. Looking for ways to change helps. At least it does for me. I call the whole process molting, because it is about growing. Maybe you will get that inch yet? ;-)

Sending you warm vibrant energy.

ps. Giggling over IMs with a fun friend for a couple hours helps too.

Oh, I've got the angry inch, allright. I was applying what I learned at www.despair.com, always bring up an even worse scenario when someone complains. I was doing that to myself.

But you know what?

I've found that exercising in the morning helps. I was getting really bummed because each day I'd get up feeling achy and grumpy. Already old at 42. :(

I started stretching and running in the morning, and it has helped a lot! I don't like stretching and running, but I suppose it's worth it, because I really hate waking up achy and grumpy.